It’s me it’s them it’s me it’s them
I see my reflection in the ipad
Nose pepper burning, wipe off the wine with my pink bathrobe. I excuse myself, I’ve had a bad day, I dont’t tell anyone it was a day like any other.
Individuele vrienden worden elkaars vrienden en beseffen dat ik niks te bieden heb behalve smaak in vrienden. Halve vrienden. Kenissen op een warme dag.
Dromen van flessen in een vreemd dorp. Kleine takken en een notendop. Kastanje op mijn bed. Niks betekent niks tot ik het toelaat.
Weeral zo triest, nee, weemoedig
Maar de lucht is wit dus dan telt het niet. Je kan niet depressief zijn zonder weer.
Straks kijk ik naar videos die mij leren dat ik zacht moet blijven ook al is het zoveel gemakkelijker om bitter en moe vies te kijken naar alles.
Alleen maar denken aan eten en me zo dik voelen en dan ook dikker worden. Geld verliezen al werk je nog zo hard. Vrienden verliezen, maarja das niks nieuw. Altijd hetzelfde doen en mezelf dan haten. Ben je zeker dat ik niet depressief ben? Misschien toch wel, kijk, de Zon schijnt en niks is beter.
How many teeth have I lost in dreams
And does music still mean all it did, remember when every sound - trying to go dubdub under
On the couch, sipping drippin ( only free when you sold your soul )
He’s in greece and im skipping from song to song
I just cant figure out how to properly balance this being gentle thing. Again i am looking for someone to blame while hiding myself in bed all day.
People can be so awful sometimes. Just mean. Luckily it only reminds me that I must try harder to not be like them. No matter the cost.
Tomorrow I will see the sea and let it teach me how to let things go, again, and how to crash without breaking so easily.
I guess i have to say something about where i am now.
Although her writing makes my writing seem so inefficient.
( when did it become about that? we’ve always bowed down too fast, and we is just me. the me writing and the me getting a talking to. yes mam )
So: being weightless in the water, flipping my legs back so my feet feel the wind and then duck back into warmth. then touching my hands under my whole body, making waves and visualising seaweed, toes kicking back up so the fall follows.
And: the pink dress with flowers, in the evenings with or without clouds.
Blue like blue truly is
I got new songs
No stories to tell
Drunk spelling test
Catch me staring at the sky
New song new dance but trust me im always the same tired fuck
Sea chanty we think we got something but we’re just going back to
remind us of what we were born to do. Another wave, another blue
its brown whiskey and muddy cola from the night shop got me talkin like a poet or a rapper, neither - another cloudy breath got me thinking
A little bit in love, a little bit in fazy hazy singalong sad end of the day last song of the playlist bybye now when I sleep I’ll think of you.
He know how i roll, like a hill
I tell him today is okay, Im bleeding, im grieving -
So one more time is guaranteed - deserved - damn it its fucking
Same old, same old
Same old, same old
Never get too comfortable cause there it'll be
The same old insanity
I guess its a bad sign,
Coming here, playing my music too loud, checking my accounts, thinking of new ways to become a stalker (sinner)
But i guess i should know by now that these things pass, become silly with time
(come back at night)
Its a bad sign, searching for comfort in my own words. So little left to love, i never knew i used to be so proud. But someday I might forget my own password and never need to feel like a story. And you’ll be a small shame,
There it is.
Sharp like a fork scratching a plate.
Winds of temporary bliss
a small escape stained with
Wine and fatigue
eyes blue of water I have never known
white tshirt and pink cheeks
He smells of smoke and summer and i trade his words for something sweeter, something more simple
always half asleep and still a little too awake. I think i will long for this place on other days. when the light comes late and leaves early and my time spent on trains seems endless
but now familiar songs from sad swinging moments turn soft in this light, i only remember parts but will sing along hazy, voice like a child
Thank you for my arms slowly becoming foreign
And the sun no longer mocking me
(Maybe i finally deserve to be warm)